Edwina - A Cautionary Salmonella Tale

Charles Macfarlane

Edwina told such dreadful lies
It made one gasp ... and eat french fries.
It all began when she was small,
She pulled a wire from the wall ...
Pulled the telly on her head,
( For better or worse she could have been dead
If hot air hadn't made it lighter,
A political broadcast for those Tory blighters ).
This mishap gave her need of therapy,
( A massage of her statistics daily )
And when in time her wounds were healed
The extent of damage was revealed ...
What career would seem opportunate
For a young woman so unfortunate?
Alas unfortunate Edwina -
She'd not the legs for a ballerina,
Couldn't tame wild poodles in t'arena.
Nor write nor act dramatic scena,
Couldn't sing a cantilena,
Nor even play the concertina,
No other answer to her condition ...
Than be a Tory politician.

"Hot air rises!", so they say,
It got her where she is today;
And stilletto heels are potent weapons
When trampling over opposition.
She started on the nation's diet:
Fish is fine but do not fry it -
If a microwave you do not own,
To apply for an interest free Social Fund loan;
Of course you won't get a bean or an ounce
But never mind, it's the thought that counts.
Mushy peas can not be that good
Because they eat them north of Watford.
Chips are out unless they're silicon,
And spicy condiments like Chili Con
Carni eaten just by loonie-left wrong-doers
Trying to sabotage the nation's sewers.
The average contents of pies and pasties
Are spiked with Euro-numbered nasties;  1
After some of these you'll be radioactive
( Perhaps that should be 'hyperactive' ),
Eat lots and be as mad as Milligan  2
Or even worse, a football hooligan;
Their effect on us all is to inflame and excite ...
Well, I {  can't see much danger of that here tonight!
 can see you've been on the pasties tonight!


But flexing of the vocal chords
Was getting our Edwina bored;
She hankered for horizons broader
Higher up the pecking order.
Across her desk at the Ministry of Health
Came reports much damaging to agricultural wealth:
It seemed a left-wing bug that sickens
Was infiltrating all our chickens.
Of course, their eggs were all infected too,
Confining those who ate them hours upon the loo
Edwina, fresh from ministerial diapers,
Saw another chance to get her name into the papers.
She spilled the beans and cooked her goose -
Now her chickens would come home to roost.
Ah! It was a lovely sight
To see the controversy burning bright!
Who knows but in the dead of night,
Knights of the shites, sorry, shires awoke in fright,
Horrific dreams oppressed them tight,
Could it be that she was right?
Such awful prospects were unthinkable ...
I mean, they turned the bally port undrinkable ...
For coal and steel there was 'No alternative',
But egg-producers vote Conservative!
With threats to Party funding looming overhead
The government rushed on in where once they'd feared to tread
And with seductive cooing and goose-fuls of gold
Set about wooing them back to the fold.
As for the public whom they claimed to represent,
Their attention was diverted by a smokescreen of dissent;
Boffin contradicted boffin, with not a fact in sight;
Eggspert clashed with eggspert, morning, noon, and night;
Egg-head went to work on egg-head for breakfast, lunch, and tea
And no-one seemed to think to ask: Were THEY salmonella-free?
Freedom of disinformation was the order of the day,
And she who had begun it all had not a word to say.
Guardian Angels launched a strike,
And packed her off on Norman's bike.
Edwina now could not escape;
They gagged her tight with sticky red tape
And locked her up with a watchful sleuth,
The better to learn 'Economy with the truth'.

  1. With a wimmins' libber I once was acquainted
    Who angrily refused all food so tainted;
    To every visitor she'd proudly offer
    Vegan foods and decaffeinated coffee;
    On healthy living she would preach a long lesson
    While smoking a joint of cannabis resin!
  2. Sorry Spike, I mean no crime
    Trouble is, it's the nearest rhyme.


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